Getting over a breakup
BREAKUPS
My friend recently asked me for advice on how best to recover from the ending of a romantic relationship. Breakups are no different to other life difficulties. The same resilience methods we use are here to serve us in a breakup. Here are some.
Mourning: Yes have a pity party...but before the party starts decide when it's going to end. There is no rule about how long these should last. It depends on how long the relationship lasted,on how deep/important it was ...but for my young friend who I suspect has not had very long relationships I'd give the mourning period a few days and no more than a week.
Thoughts/feelings: Every feeling comes from a thought. This is an important one. Let's say it again every feeling comes from a thought. I control my thoughts and therefore I control my feelings. Yes this is a skill, yes it takes time to master, yes it is never 100% proof but yes it works.
Most of the unhelpful thoughts that cloud our mind during a break up go like this: I won't love again, be as happy as I was with him /her again…but
I choose my thoughts: Yes I can choose to think: I will find someone who is better for me, my happiness does not depend on who or if I am dating, my happiness lies inside me..
I am the protagonist and hero of my life/my life is about me. I am the protagonist of my story. I am not giving up my starring role. I am the hero of not the victim of my story. This means that our former lover cannot be as important as I am to me. He/She does not get a leading actor role in my movie. What they are doing and feeling, who they are dating... is not what I am focused on. I am focused on me. I frame my thoughts such that I am a survivor, a person who grows stronger and wiser with each experience. I say goodbye to my ex lover and thank him/her for the learned lessons
Life purpose: What is my life purpose? A very important question. I recommend that getting to know yourself be one of your life 's purposes. If we accept that then I accept that relationships whether they work or not help me fulfill this life purpose. Relationships are a mirror into one's character. I get to know so much about myself from each relationship. I thank the relationship and my ex lover for the lessons. This person becomes one of many in my journey who has brought me joy and from whom I have learned.
No person completes me. I thought this didn't require an explanation but if it does. No person completes another. Two happy people can enjoy each other, can support each other, can help each other but no one completes you.The only thing a person can do for another is love them. We will talk more about definitions of love later but to love someone is not only a feeling but a decision to engage in actions like be there for that person when they need you, to enjoy their successes, to help them through their failures, to look out for their best interest, to have their back...
In all likelihood that person had little in common with my idea of who they were. This is a really good one. Turns out that we choose to adjudicate qualities to people they may or may not have. We many times fall in love with our idea of who that person is and not who they truly are. When the relationship fails it is because he/she did or didn't do X or Y which did not meet our expectation of who they were. In most instances look back and you will see that you were hoping and expecting your lover to do things that he/she was either not capable of doing or not willing to do and not in his/her nature.
One of the best ways to weed out undesirables is rejection. When someone rejects me it means that that person is undesirable for me. Not necessarily an undesirable person but when they don't choose me as their mate then they are not a good mate for me.
A Sense of responsibility to life, the universe, others and self: we are responsible for our own happiness. The sooner we accept that the happier we will be.
Summary of tools
Its ok to mourn a loss just don't overdo it
Feeling are attached to Thoughts, I control my thoughts and therefore I control my feelings
My life is the tale of a hero, ME.
An important life purpose is self discovery. I am grateful to all persons and all experiences that lead me there.
I am complete/whole
I learn to see people as they are, not who I want them to be
I gravitate towards people who appreciate me
I am responsible for my happiness